The Madman’s Invention
Hello everyone!
Greetings from your unfriendly insensible madman from Unearth.
First things first, I neither understand nor follow the rules human beings have made for themselves. Why should everything be done in a certain way, why should things have only one name? why can’t they have multiple names? Who decides what is good and what is bad? Why should vegetables be called vegetables and not fruits or rocks? Why is this colour Blue? Why can’t we call it Eulb? Why must one work in the day and sleep at night? Why can’t we live in the forests and animals in homes? etc. etc. etc.
Now about me. My name is Zibbit Ribbit Whoop and I am 32 years old, I think. Please don’t always believe me, I am very forgetful. I have passed out from the University of MADical UNscience, with a wonderful qualification. It is called Servant of UNundiscovery (please read it correctly, there are two uns). I am a uniquely UNcreative scientist as I am the only one in the entire world who can mix random chemicals to create nothings, things of no value or use to anyone. Trust me it is lots of Unfun, umm… I mean unfun.
One day, I was in my lab mixing chemicals, trying to create something new to eat as I was really bored of eating all the healthy foods like pizzas, burgers, subs, noodles etc. I wanted something unhealthy like a cool green vegetable, yuum… my mouth waters at the thought of junk food like lentils and green vegetables.
I worked and worked for more than two hours, sacrificing my rest time of 14 hours but didn’t see any good reaction. At last I tried a new formula, the mixture I tried was of various colours, oh, you won’t understand, let me make it easy for you, it was DCO2+NS2+X43+Z1+EQ59. I waited for something to happen with my fingers uncrossed. What happened then was not what I was expecting, in fact least expecting.
A uniformed man from nowhere entered my lab trying to look all authoritative and powerful. I asked him who he was. He said he was a police inspector. I looked at him carefully and started laughing very hard. He looked so funny and uncool - shiny shoes, ironed clothes, hair in place, nicely shaven, looked like he had been pulled out of a book and brought to my lab. I had never seen a funnier man. Since he did not introduce himself, I decided to call him Mr. Funnyman. He gave me a puzzled and frowned look. I did not understand his expression, he should have been happy that he made me laugh but …. You know.
He looked around my lab from the doorway as if he had never seen a lab before, I don’t know why did he not come inside properly and all of a sudden started to speak, asking questions in fact. He said in a loud and hoarse voice that the neighbors had complained about lot of noise coming from my lab at all times, whether it was day or night, the loud disturbing sounds kept coming all the time. How would I like to explain, would I like to stop, would I like to come to the police station with him etc. etc. My stupid neighbors, didn’t they know that I worked non-stop, for their betterment. I rested only fourteen hours, then worked for an hour or so, rested again, worked again, it was so much hard work! And I was so disciplined.
Mr. Funnyman started to speak something when I decided to put the matter to rest and said it was nothing but just some random explosions that kept happening on their own from time to time from the various mixtures that I experimented with for the betterment of entire human race. Nobody, including me, could predict the timing of the explosions. I don’t know what he understood, he seemed shocked and ran out of the lab as fast as his legs would carry him. I wondered what was wrong with him and who made him a policeman in the first place.
I was beginning to get tired. First of all, the unwelcome visitor and then all this conversation with a funny stranger. I thought of taking a very small break of only three hours.
As soon as I lay down on my very special couch made of hay and straw and my bag for my pillow, there was a loud bang. Wow! I had just created the 90th explosion of my life. This was most satisfying, I decided to go home instead of resting in the lab as today’s task was done. I went home happily, thanked God for my wonderful life and prayed hard for that magical vegetable discovery to come my way soon. Who knows…? At night, I went out for dinner to celebrate the day’s explosion, my ninetieth.
25 years later…
I was working in my lab one day and suddenly there was a loud boom, very loud, I think the loudest ever. My decibels meter confirmed it and said it was XXX meters loud. The explosion was as smoky as a nuclear bomb. Okay, not that much but you get the picture, right? What comes next is really going to surprise you and make you love me even more.
Before going ahead, I need to tell you a secret from my childhood. I was a child who never liked healthy food. I just ate junk food. I was always looking for places to hide the healthy food even now I sometimes put healthy food in the chemicals. (I hope you know what junk food is. If not, you’ll get to know soon, oh wait, I think I told you already.) So, where was I? Oh yes, the whole lab was covered with smoke and dust. I coughed a lot and as it was becoming difficult to breathe or see anything, I walked out of the lab for just a little bit. After a few minutes, I walked back in the lab, the dust had cleared.
Lo and behold, on the table was - you guessed it right- bits of junk food. A vegetable? Why? Maybe God was answering my prayers. I went near it and smelt it. To my surprise, it smelt like the tastiest bottle gourd in the world, which by the way is my second favorite junk food. But it looked like a burger, my least favorite healthy food. And it was grey in color, which is my favorite. I went ahead and tasted it. Yummy, it tasted like bitter gourd, my favorite junk food. All in all, it was a good vegetable.
I went home happily that day, thinking about making loads of money, I was sure there were lots of people like me who secretly loved junk food. For the next few days, I made 100 more of these vegetables. Before making more of these I decided to test the markets and see if people would like to buy this fantastic vegetable.
The next day I took them to the market. As soon as I got down from my car and opened the boot where these wonderful vegetables were kept, people within a circle of around 100 meters started running away from me. The vegetable must have been such a good- smelling and beautiful one that people couldn’t even afford to look at it. My smile only broadened and I started exploring the marketplace.
Soon I found a shopkeeper who wasn’t running away. I asked him if he had any disease. He said he was kind of blind and had anosmia, loss of ability to detect smells. I asked him if he would like to buy my new vegetables. He wanted to try one so I gave him one. He first felt it and then ate it. He said it was tasty and he was willing to pay 2000 rupees for the hundred pieces of this new vegetables.
I asked him if he was interested in me making some other new vegetable or if he would like me to continue the supply of the same vegetable. He said he liked it and I should continue making these vegetables because it tasted like bitter gourd and it was his favorite food too. I was already starting to like that man. I wanted to make him feel special and asked him to give a name to the new vegetable, he could also call it after him if he wanted to. This made him smile and I felt happy too. After some thought he said, let’s call it ‘TT Spikes’. I didn’t ask him a single question; I simply took the money and went back home.
The next day, as I switched on the news channel, I was in for a big surprise, some good news awaited me. People were claiming that they were having lose motions and vomiting after eating a vegetable called ‘TT Spikes’. They were showing it and luckily it was my vegetable. I could not be happier. I had finally managed to do something for the betterment of Humanity.
I went to the shopkeeper and asked him how many of those vegetables he had managed to sell. He said he had sold all of them. He seemed very happy. I asked him why was he happy. He told me that he was happy because people were getting better by vomiting and getting sick. I smiled too. Finally, I’d found a friend who could understand me well.
So, Folks, I would continue to work hard and strive to better humankind always. No need to thank me, its alright. Ciao, till my next adventure then.